How I Let Go of External Validation and Found Joy Again
Real growth isn’t measured in metrics. It’s felt in the doing.
I’ve been thinking a lot about mastery.
I keep looking at professional athletes and wish I had gone that route in my life. It makes so much sense in my head. Show up, do the work, get better. There’s something so tangible about that. I see it in my own (very non-professional) athlete life. I show up, run the miles, and they get easier. I can run longer. I can run faster. I can breathe easier. I feel stronger. It all makes sense. The more I put in, the more I get out.
Then there’s every other part of my life, where it seems like nothing happens. I show up and write here, and more often than not, I get no reaction. No email, no reply, no likes (beyond my very supportive & loving parents), no restacks. How do I know I’m getting better? How do I know I’m reaching people? Is anyone even reading this now? (except mom & dad, hi I love you!)
That’s what real life ends up being like. Most of the time, you have no idea if what you’re doing is actually working, or even worth your time. You show up, do the work, and then what? I felt that way all the time with my job. I have over 10 years experience in product managing, but can I confidently tell you that I’m an “elite” product manager (if such a thing existed)? No, probably not.
It’s a frustrating experience. I want the feedback. I often want the immediate feedback. I want to know that the meeting I recently lead resulted in my “Meeting Skill” to increase from 75 to 76. I earned 1 extra point in my ability to run meetings. I want life to act and feel like a D&D style role-playing game.
But, pun aside, that’s a fantasy.
Life rarely gives you immediately feedback. It rarely gives you any feedback at all. All these platforms with their likes, comments, retweets, shares, saves, etc, are designed to tap into this deep desire for us to know that we did something that others approve of. We crave that societal thumbs up to feel like we belong and that we’re contributing! More than that, we feel like we’re doing good work: “Good job, you! You are now +1 like better than you were before!”
All of these systems have robbed us of a truth. The truth is that the feedback is NOT the point.
I’ll repeat this, because I also need to hear myself say it again:
The feedback is NOT the point.
Chasing likes, follows, and shares will lead you down a joyless path. You will begin to measure everything you do off the whims and randomness of the world. Did you spend all weekend coming up with an amazing video, share it, but then realize that it came out at the same time your country bombed another? Yea, that’s randomness in action. Your views will plummet because everyone is now busy consuming the news and understanding what’s happening in the world.
Life is random. It’s chaotic. It’s crazy at times. So why do you do what you do?
Ask yourself, and BE HONEST. Why do you do what you do?
Did you post that video only because you wanted the likes?
Or...
Did you post that video because it made you happy to create it? (And you genuinely don’t care that it received 0 likes?)
I spent 99% of my life in the former group. I chased external validation. I found myself asking everyone I knew if they “saw the thing I did”. I posted all my accomplishments because I wanted to show off. My ego kept driving the conversation. More, more, more. Give me all the kudos. Give me all the praise. Be impressed with me! Be even more impressed with me!
It was like feeding an insatiable black hole that ate everything thrown into it. It was NEVER satiated. It’s why I burned myself out on so many of my journeys. It’s why I kept quitting and trying new things. It’s because I didn’t actually want to be good at the thing I was trying. Instead, I wanted the constant feedback from my friends. I wanted the world to feed me likes and praise and I wanted my ‘D&D character sheet’ to reflect how good I was at all these things.
I’m gratefully learning to let go of this model. I’m learning to do the thing because I actually f***ing love to do the thing. I want to write these posts. I want to click publish. I want to spend the time writing, possibly into the void, because it’s FUN. I love how I feel when I’m sitting here typing. I love that I am writing and practicing, and that I even have a place to post it publicly at all. Can you imagine how frustrating it felt to be in a time when you couldn’t easily share your thoughts and musings with the world? You’d have to be some newspaper magnate, or maybe go to a street corner and shout at random people hoping they’d stop & listen? (honestly, this sounds like the perfect analogy for how social media works these days).
Now though, here I am! I’m in NYC and you may be in Paris reading these words seconds after I post them. How cool is that? And I get to be a part of this time when I can do that!
Do the likes, views, shares matter to me? I’d be lying if I said they didn’t matter at all. They do! I have big dreams of being able to share these words with larger audiences. Am I bummed out because now these words are only read by a handful of people? No. Because I am no longer putting my joy into things I can’t control.
That’s the insight here. Mastery comes when we learn to love what we’re doing, regardless of what happens next. We can get better at something just for the sake of getting better at it. We don’t need to turn it into our job. We don’t need to gain a following. We don’t need to make money off it, and we honestly don’t even have to explain ourselves to anyone that doesn’t get it.
We do it for the sake of doing it. We do it to light up some part of our heart and our body, and to say: Yes, I’m here, and I get to do this wonderful thing, and that’s good enough for me today.
What are you working on? Why are you working on it? Does it fulfill you, or are you chasing something external and out of your control? Seriously, be honest with yourself. In this case, the truth will genuinely set you free. Once you understand your behavior, you’ll feel lighter and happier. You can then pursue the things that matter to you just because. They matter because they matter. That’ll become an acceptable mantra for you.
Here’s to mastery for the sake of mastery. Do the work because you can. Do the work because you love it.
Have you ever chased a goal only for the validation it might bring? I’d love to hear what helped you let go — or what you’re still wrestling with. Leave a comment or share this with someone who needs to hear it.